A card from a dear friend arrived in my mail last week. Inside the card—which read, Don’t question. Just accept.—was a cashier’s check for $500. Typed on the memo line of the check were my favorite words: For Travel.
I stood in my tiny kitchen, staring at the check for about 10 minutes. I felt a rush of feelings run through my body, connected to thoughts running through my mind: I can’t accept this. It’s too much. I’m not worthy. It took a while for me to get to gratitude, to feel thankful for an enormously generous gift, to marvel at how anyone could love me so much that she would want to help me do what I love to do most, that I was worthy of such friendship.
It was much easier to feel shame and unworthiness than gratitude and joy.
When I spoke with my friend to thank her, she had as much difficulty taking in my gratitude as I had taking in her generosity. She tried to brush off my thanks. She, in fact, put no return address on the envelope, making sure I couldn’t return the check, I suppose. But also ensuring I couldn’t send my thanks via mail without requesting her address, tipping her off, warning her, Brace yourself, gratitude is coming your way. As I tried to thank her, she muttered uncomfortably, Okay, pass it by, her way of saying, Let’s move on. She ended our conversation saying, We never need to talk about this again.
But I want to talk about it all the time. I want to plan my trip out loud, list my To Go list, which is everywhere I haven’t already been. I want to talk about how difficult it is to receive, but how fun it it is, too.
My friend, knowing my financial situation, stressed that the check is to be used for travel. She knows she can’t control what I do with the money she gifted me. And I know that to use the money for the purpose she intended is my gift back to her.
When I’m tempted, out of feelings of unworthiness, to piddle the money away, not setting it aside, using it instead for some perceived necessity, I will try to remember all that spiritual stuff I’ve been reading for decades. I’ll metaphorically open my arms wide, embrace the goodness of life, and remember the wisdom of Brene Brown: “Until we can receive with an open heart, we’re never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”
