The Goat
FADE IN:
EXT. SCRANTON SCHOOL DISTRICT ADMIN. BLDG. – MORNING
Sunny September day, 20 school teachers amble carrying signs: #SaveTheArts, #SaveTheStudents, and #StopTheInsanity.
A car honks, the driver shakes his fist out the window in a show of solidarity. The signs bobble in agreement.
INT. SUPERINTENDENT’S OFFICE – MORNING
SUPERINTENDENT MONTE, a corpulent man in his 40s dressed in an expensive suit, sits behind an enormous desk that is covered with pink While You Were Out messages, hoagie wrappers, and empty cans of Diet Mountain Dew.
Teacher/Union rep, MARY-KATHERINE KELLY-KOHN, 35, sits opposite Monte. She holds a Post-It notepad, and a newspaper with the headline: Superintendent Monte Takes Huge Raise, Cuts Arts and English Programs.
MONTE
Mary… I’m sorry, Mary-Katherine. You’ve got to get them to meet me halfway here. This is all about the numbers and the numbers don’t lie. We can’t afford music. We can’t afford gym. We can’t afford drama…
Mary-Katherine scribbles a note and slams it down on the desk. Monte ignores the note.
MONTE (CONT’D)
For crying out loud, Mary. Mary-Katherine. You’re taking this vow of silence too far. You’re not Gandhi…
Mary-Katherine scribbles another note and slams it down.
MONTE (CONT’D)
Hunger strike, word strike, whatever. My point is these tactics don’t work.
Mary-Katherine shakes her head and mouths the word “Idiot.” She sighs.
MONTE (CONT’D)
Alright. Listen. You’re right. We gotta come together. We gotta make it work. But my taking a salary cut…what’s that gonna to do? Nothing. That’s what. I got an idea. It’s pretty progressive. It’s pretty out there. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
Mary-Katherine writes the word CLICHE!
MONTE (CONT’D)
So here’s what I’m thinking. Remember that big hullabaloo a few years back? Cash For Kids? I just watched the documentary and it was powerful. Very powerful. I kept thinking these kids had everything. They had teachers who cared. They had guidance counselors who cared. Some of them seemed like they even had parents who cared. But you know what none of them had?
Mary-Katherine shakes her head.
MONTE (CONT’D)
Track with me here. We’re thinking outside the box. Way outside the box.
Monte pauses.
MONTE (CONT’D)
Like I was saying. These kids had everything. They had art. They had music. They had homes and parents and dogs and cats and, well…, everything. Except… Goats.
Mary-Katherine snaps her head up from looking at her fingernails.
MONTE (CONT’D)
Hear me out. Hear me out. Listen. Goats. I’ve been poking around, doing some research. Turns out, you can do all kinds of things with goats. You can do yoga with goats. You can put t-shirts on goats. YouTube’s got a bunch of videos of goats wearing really cute outfits. One goat…, I think he might be developmentally disabled, was even wearing a chicken costume. Goats are awesome and they make great therapy animals.
Monte reads the Post-It Mary-Katherine slams down.
MONTE (CONT’D)
No. I’m not kidding. I told you you gotta think outside the box. You gotta hear me out. I’m giving you solutions here. Goats. On one YouTube video goats helped an autistic boy join Little League. In another, goats got a little girl off antidepressants. Goats can even be trained to be seeing eye animals, but that takes a lot of special training. And anyway, we don’t really need seeing eye goats.
Monte pauses, takes a sip of Diet Mountain Dew.
MONTE (CONT’D)
So, I’m thinking we get goats. Ten, maybe twenty. We keep music or art or cheerleaders or whatever you and the rest of the union think we need to keep. Maybe the gym or those stupid grammar books. And to pay for it, we get rid of all the guidance counselors and therapists and replace them with therapy goats.
Mary-Katherine’s next note says, “This is not funny!”
MONTE (CONT’D)
See! That’s the problem! You and the rest of your people, you’re completely unreasonable. You’re limited by such conventional parameters. Here I am working my ass off to find a solution. But you just shoot down every idea, every proposal. Teachers! Teachers are the problem.
Mary-Katherine rises and stalks out of the office.
Monte’s cell phone buzzes.
MONTE (CONT’D)
Yeah. She just left. I don’t care what she says, what she doesn’t say. Goats. Goats are the answer. It’s genius. Therapy goats. And guess what? Here’s the real kicker. The goats can double as the groundskeepers for the stadium. Goats will save us a fortune. We’ll be able to take bigger bonuses next year. Say hello to that summer house at the shore.
MONTE pauses, listening.
MONTE (CONT’D)
My kids?!! Christ, no. They go to Holy Cross. I’d never send my kids to public school.
FADE OUT:
